True Suffering

I heard about it just the other day
Of a friend of mine who’s wife passed away
Now it was a lady who kept him well
Through his medical problems rivalling hell
Yet I complain about the stack of my woes
Difficulties surely but that’s the way that it goes

Now I was never one to argue over grief
Plenty of times my pain had me shake like a leaf
But losing someone is surely the ultimate pain
It’s hard to imagine how anyone will gain
My bad liver or fears can’t be held above
The loss of a person that you truly love

Barbara Blackcinder

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Silence Is A Noise

Deep beneath the silent waves
Watching light fade to a glimmer
Sinking down where there are no saves
Where life itself has no shimmer
Silence deadens the sounds of life
Echoes frequency becomes much thinner

Where do you go when blindness reigns
When deafness silences all that you do
Can you open the door to let in the light
Can ears be tuned to fight the deafness too
Is it possibly for me to be tuned in yet
Is there hope before I’m through?

I have no answers, I deal with pain
Numbness is present in all my inactions
Feelings hidden in hills of doubt
Nulling plans and suppressing actions
Expressing and reacting slipping away
An escape from tingling and fading reactions.

Barbara Blackcinder

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A Selfish Soliloquy

I want to listen to music when I want
I want to go places when I want to go
I want to dress in whatever I want and where
I lie to you from no acceptance you know
I have changed, and you will not
I am not the person you met long ago
You cannot accept me because of this
I can’t accept you for this I know
because you will not even try a little
This is at an end, don’t you see it as so?

Barbara Blackcinder

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The Lakebed of Life

Into the net goes the fish
Sliding into it headlong
Faster and faster to get to the end
Suddenly stopped with knowing it was wrong

No room to turn, no going back
Shoulder to shoulder with my like
Crowded and squeezing to go ahead
Racing to climb and leap over the dike

A cool pond with water resting
Plants relaxing and waving gently
Calm pools to rest with wavering gills
Sleeping on the bed contentedly

The threads of the net pull suddenly upward
Surrounding you as you sleep
No way to run upstream or down
Slipping around but inside you’ll keep

The process is one of a final design
Some freedom allowed temporally
Swimming the width of the lake allowed
But only to return eventually

Barbara Blackcinder

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She Said

She said to me that it was the dream of a friend
I turned in fear as she was leaving the room

She promised me that it was only a dream
I thought I heard the closing of the door

She said it was just an irrelevant thought
She returned with the mail and the paper

She said it was only her temper letting go
I was scared that she would be mad all day

She said she was sorry but unsure of it now
I knew she would never offer an apology

She said it wasn’t a dream or an errant thought
I awoke in a nightmare that wouldn’t leave me

She said it was the only way she could go
I thought that she was out to help a friend

She said on the phone that she was gone away
I couldn’t help fearing that she wouldn’t return

She said goodbye and that it was forever
I had a fear that wouldn’t go away after she was gone

Barbara Blackcinder

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To Plan or Not To Plan

Where do I go, when I haven’t been there
How do I determine my goal
What do I do if I have never searched
Has there ever been any soul?

People have plans, ideas of their likes
Intents when those thoughts become needs
Set goals as they become decisions
Some do this while no higher than weeds

Instead of thinking ahead, having ideas
I was only concerned with the day
So miserable I was for so much of life
Forecasting more of it wasn’t my way

It was a struggle to finish sometimes
To get through the dislike of it all
Many times I decided not to finish
So much of my time hitting a wall

But alas I didn’t do anything like that
I was just too scared to cause an end
Too much pain even to compare them
Just how to treat the body I’d send

So I go along now, with barely a day
when I don’t think of remaining time
Instead of living life for the moment
And losing it without much of a rhyme

Barbara Blackcinder

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The Death Cult

Don’t hold your breath, is a common saying
We hope to make this life better by prayer
But although it runs counter to the usual praying
I must confess to being a naysayer
Even though we look up to find happiness
Putting faith in the hands of the invisible man
The direction of religion is getting out of this mess
We really seek deliverance any way that we can

Yes we must admit that religion faces us to heaven
Or hell if we don’t wish to follow the rules
We are constantly threatened will the devil’s oven
But hope for salvation to enter heaven’s pools
It is of no matter if we succeed down here
It is all focused on getting to the end
Raptures will always happen ‘this year’
And only the good folks will we send

You can be as cruel and selfish as you will
As long as you remember to end it right
Perching on the edge of heaven’s window sill
Confess and repent in the last glimmer of light
It doesn’t matter how deceitful you’ve been
A single repentance will heal you for sure
Afterwards no sins will ever be seen
That His son’s murder and murderer will not cure

Well, except for those living life so true
Who were never baptized or have the wrong god
Never to see that they must conform for you
And so will never get the heavenly nod
Nor will the infants given original sin
Or swept away by nature’s wraith
Who’s lives so innocently begin
And die by storm or a murderer’s path

We must acknowledge a death cult here
One built on erroneous bronze-aged life
When the ideas were to make it survivable
Through Heavenly and extraordinary strife
Instead it is exclusionary biased whim
From an infanticidal and genocidal guide
With obedience to rules as though from Him
From which we intentionally and maliciously hide.

Barbara Blackcinder

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